What would Gandalf do?

Dear you,

This will definitely be the last note I indirectly write to you over a popular blogging website for a while. I said that last time, too. A part of me hopes that you find this or someone close to both of us finds this and shows you. I guess I just want you to hear this with me unaware of it. But I guess I just defeated the purpose, now, didn’t I? I’ve always been a pain like that. But I’ve grown since I ruined everything. At least I like to think I have.

Anyways… you’re happy. I’m happy you’re happy. At least I think you’re happy. I saw you during the assembly. It did hurt, actually. Seeing you. I don’t know how you do it. But you were there, being yourself. Your usual fantastic self. I admire you so much for that. You do your thing and you don’t care what people think.

I don’t know if it’s just me, but I always get this feeling in my eyes when I’m looking at something so longingly. But that’s how I saw you. I kind of prayed you’d look my way. But all I could do is tear up a little, even after all this time. You’ve changed my life. You really have. 

I keep looking back at your old posts about me. I did read that angry one. I can’t even tell you how much I cried when I read it. And then I read your last one. It had this farewell tone to it. God, I hope that wasn’t the end.

I hate saying I so much. It’s all I’ve been good at. But you know, you taught me something I feel like not many people learn.

You taught me how to truly love someone. 

I love you. I feel like I always will. I would give anything to be with you, but that’s what I would want. I only want what you want. No matter how much that would hurt me. All I want is for you to be happy. When I say that to people, I always want my way more, but I put myself aside for their sake. But for you, it’s different. I want you to be happy. That comes first for me. Even if it hurts me. Even if it has nothing to do with me. 

And before I forget, I have a graduation present for you. I can’t tell you what it is, but it means something to me. I hope it’ll mean something to you, too.

You have such a beautiful life. You’re going to have a beautiful future, too. I hope everything works out for you. I want you to be happy with what you do. With or without me by your side. With or without me in the colourful picture of your life. 

Just be happy. I love it when you’re happy. It gives me that stupid feeling inside when I see you smile. I really hope you’re happy.

But you know, I still think it’s amazing. You know. How I hurt you so much with so many words, but you broke my heart with none. I should have done this from the start: I blame nothing on you. You deserve everything that makes you happy. You changed my life. You’ll always be a big part of my life. 

I love you. I always will. I hope you’ll save one dance for me at prom this year. Just one (:

Signed,

a former friend